Dr. Gautham's

Neuro Centre

(Established in 1988)

A Neuro-Behavioral Medicine Clinic

Dr. Gautham's Neuro Centre
4/68 P C Hostel Road
Chennai, Tamilnadu 600031

ph: +91 98410 10197
alt: +91 44 4285 9822








My girl spends time with other boys

Below is a question with Dr. Gautham's reply to it. Make your question as detailed as possible to enable an appropriate suggestion / direction that is specific to you. Include details of problem / symptoms, duration, details of associated persons / situations, aggravating factors if any, and relevant personal details


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Friday Holiday


I have been dating this girl for nearly 8 months, things were great, we got along really well, our families liked each other. She is in the first year and I am in the third. Her and i did everything together, hung out all the time. I couldn't have been happier. We told each other how much we loved one another and that we couldn't be happier with anyone else I bought her jewelry for her birthday and on our 6 month anniversary. Took her out to dinner at least once a week and movies.  I really thought this girl was the "one". We both talked about how we were going to get through college together and get married after. We both knew that seeing each other would be an issue because i was over an hour away. But we promised that we would try to see each other as much as possible. But then she started to get friendly with other boys and party. I know that most people in there first year of college want to make new friends and party.  It made me extremely uncomfortable when she would talk to other boys. The thought of her with another guy makes me sick to my stomach.  I tried to talk to her about it and she just got upset. I finally got an answer about it, she said that she was confused and didn't know who she was anymore and wasn't "interested" in dating anyone, we fought more and more. I would keep bringing up that i wanted to be with her again and I wanted to work things out. it seemed that she would fight me on everything and act extremely immature when i tried to talk about things as an adult. She says that she loves me, but how could somebody say and not want to be together. I'm just not sure if she really loves, if she did she want to hang out all the time. and would try to get me back the whole thing just really hurts, after everything we've been through and everything we have said to each, ii all feels like it was a big lie, and i feel used in the whole situation. I treated her like a princess cause I really loved her. I just need some advice in the whole situation, what I should do, try to get her back or move on. I'm not sure if she has said all this because she really doesn't know who she is, or its some excuse to see and have sex with other guys ,I just don't know. Some days I don't know if I really want to go on with the relationship, cause later on things would go to hell again and then I would lose her all together. And I don't know if I could trust her again I don't want that, I still love her.... I cant adjust my mind to this present situation. its been 5 months and still I cant adjust.. Even I tried drinking alcohol to get sleep.. thoughts of her with other boys r always hunting me down...usually I used to score good marks in my exams.. Now after this problem I couldn't concentrate in my studies.. for a gal I cant give up my dreams.. am writing this mail because i believe that u can help me. PLEASE help...I need my old happy life back.. doc u have to help me with this situation. I didn't told to my parents about this...if thy r coming to know abt this they will be so sad. I don't want to do that...pls help me with this situation...please respond to this mail..

thank you,

Dr. Gautham's Reply

I understand what you're going through and believe that you can recover. But, you need medication not alcohol, for your depression. Medication will help you get a control of your thoughts and emotions so that you can start thinking straight and analyzing the situation and how to put it right. PLUS you need understand how to handle the situation.

Love is the most beautiful thing on the planet, chances are that you're already pushing the panic button. Sleepless nights, unanswered calls, lonely days, the silent phone - each and everything connives to remind you of the wonderful time you had with her. Worst of all, you are beside yourself with worry that maybe there's someone else in her life.

Take things one day at a time. You're going through an experience that tears you apart. Try to switch off for a few days and stop thinking about the pain. Just have faith and allow yourself a breather. When you're ready to start thinking about it without too much pain, you need to analyze what went wrong. Think back to conversations you've had, experiences you've shared. Collect clues. You'll soon get to the crux of the problem.

Going to college is a new experience and its only normal that she is trying on her new life by getting rid of older things that tie her down. Also you have to get a control of your own jealousy which seems to have created the rift.

 Excessive jealousy comes due to possessiveness. And a woman, is something to be cherished, not owned. You have to see your girlfriend as someone who makes you happy, and someone you want to spend time with. Nothing more, nothing less. Having a girlfriend doesn�t make you a different or more worthy person than you were the day before you had one. Instead of  setting off fights every time a boy glances at her, take it as a compliment. Keep in mind that she's your girl, the girl who is going to marry you.  Take this time to review your good qualities in lieu of comparing yourself to other men. If you don't think you measure up to your male competitors, take the time to do a little self-improvement: work out, learn new things and get a new look.




Dr. Gautham's Answer (Contd...):

Girls do not respond well to you dropping everything and focusing on them, just because they want to have a good time away from you.

Getting jealous about it doesn�t help in the slightest. It�s entirely negative. Try and be the best boyfriend you can be. Try and be the best option that�s on offer. And utter acceptance of this is the only way forward.In order to manage your jealousy, you have to get to the root of your feelings. The way you react to things has been wired into your brain over time, as your collective experiences shaped your character. It looks like you are not used to a social woman: To you a woman who's always around friends, both male and female, is a foreign concept, therefore untrustworthy. You seem insecure: You don't think you're good enough for her, so you go crazy with the thought of losing her. You're a pessimist: You think that all good things must come to an end, and that this one surely will. And it will if you make an ass of yourself trying to prolong it with excessive protection.

Talk to her about your insecurities. Articulate how you've been feeling and she'll do her best to reassure you there's nothing to worry about. If you must, get details on her time away. So if she tells you she's working late, for example, ask with whom and how long she'll be.

You're the controlling type who calls her every hour to inquire about where she is. Your incessant and irritating check-up calls are irrational and  annoying. So, let her off the hook. Let her call you.

If you think that each second away from you is a man-tasting party, go out with her and see how harmless her nights out really are. You should meet all her friends, especially her guy friends. Talk to the people who know her best sincerely and candidly. Ask them in a non-confrontational way to talk about your girl, and let them reassure you what a good woman you have. Maybe you'll see that they're just boys and girls having a good and friendly time together.  The cold hard facts will keep your imagination from taking control of you.

Remember these tips won't work overnight and require time and dedication.

Be strong, even if you're breaking up inside. If you have common friends, try not to discuss the breakup with them. 't try to start where you left off with her. Things have changed, and while you are both the same people, the relationship between you has changed a bit.

As for right now I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on and try to keep busy with your own life and give her space. Time will tell if you two were meant to be. It sounds like you two had a great solid relationship before she started college.

Maybe she is having second thoughts about getting married. Maybe she can�t stand the idea of hurting you but also can�t handle making a commitment. Take the hint. It�s time for you two to have an honest talk. My guess is that you need to put the engagement on hold and give your relationship more time to develop.

Wishing you success in life

Warm regards

Dr. Gauthamadas